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Monday, July 13, 2015

I am crowded.  Jam packed with things, papers, feathers, bottles, boxes, and little pieces of plastic filled with powder. There are photos and numbers and little memories like slides of glass and each goes under the light and I think, "yes, yes...oh that...and no, that is gone now" and it's all around.  It is suffocating and comfortable like being swallowed by balloons.  There is just enough space to breathe. But not deeply.

I have no sense of community.  Or family.  There is no mother.  No father.  Sister gone.  Brother unknown.  Children grow and scatter and life is just ice cracking, melting...pouring into the sea.

I am a series of tomorrows that have bled into yesterdays and in this wedged up space of everything boxed around me, I think, "what did I do this for?"

To fill up.  To find out.  To remember.  To forget.  To be happy.  To lose.  To wonder.  To try.  To keep going and never give up.  To go.  To stay.  And always, time passing and the wall is bricked.

I am lonely amidst my things.  I am saddened by shadows that slip between the cracks.  You can find everything and still miss what you left behind.  Or wonder why you ever lost it in the first place.

Wedged in and surrounded, cocooned by matter and ideas and fallout- I push at the edges like the world is just an eggshell away and if I just keep poking...

I'll find it.

I'll realize.

I'll swallow all of that glorious freedom and discover...

That I can have everything I've ever wanted and all I felt was empty.


I let it all...


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